THE EX-GF BLOG

This is my story.

As I get in my car with The SAINT to drive back home, I feel my pants vibrate. I reach into my pocket to see a new text message.

1-250-555-5555 wrote: wut r u doin tonite

For a second my heart sinks knowing there is only one thing I can do. I press EDIT. I press DELETE. Then I close my phone. Is it fair (for either of us)? No. That's how it has to be.


Our relationship had been rocky for a long time. The circumstances around why we were together set us on a journey towards failure. Our house had been built on sand... it was only a matter of time.



HBEX had moved back home to B.C in April 2007. Between then and just prior to my 19th birthday (May 30, 2007), things were beginning to become grimmer and grimmer. Her double standard philosophy began to create major problems during the month of May. I rose from the comfort of my bedroom (where I had spent the last 8 months or longer), and went to my first club - Cowboys. This was a blast! Getting absolutely plastered and line-dancing. Seeing beautiful girls all around. (a scarcity mindset in relation to women was a huge limiting belief I had while depressed) I began to drift away from HBEX. Every night I went out - we fought. Reason was simple. She was allowed to do what she wanted (go out, go camping, etc), but I was not. With the new found epiphany that I COULD find a new girl in-tow, I dumped HBEX. This seemed glorious for about 24 hours. Realizing my mistake, I cried and cried to get her back. She was having none of it. Our relationship basically revolved around the theory 'Make her/him chase you'. Right around the time I dumped her, and shortly thereafter, I had her chasing me. When we switched roles (me chasing) I was doomed. She was very good at making me chase her, and prolonging it forever. From here until October 2007, I chased. This was cat-string theory in action. She would give me enough to keep me chasing (give me a sense of hope), just to complete crush me at the end (causing me to chase harder). Such actions when dealing with someone (me) who was extremely depressed (schizo - clinical depression symptoms) were very powerful, and extremely harmful. It was right around October 15th, 2007 with the help from my councilor, I was able to get over the hump slightly, and cut off all contact with HBEX. Cutting off contact was an extremely positive action towards my healing. I didn't hear from her again until December 13th, a Thursday. Randomly messaged me on MSN, I was stupid enough to let it happen, let her call me, and we hung out the next day. It was Friday and we went for dinner, blah blah blah. We made plans to hang out on the Saturday too, because she was moving back to B.C. on Sunday. Now to add a bit of a twist on the story, I had met a girl who was extremely interesting to me. It was her 18th birthday on December 15th (the Saturday). This is key: I PROMISED MYSELF NO MATTER WHAT, I WOULD GO TO HER BIRTHDAY PARTY. Saturday morning she called me to say let's hang out. The frame battle began here. I let her know I was going to this party, and she could come if she wanted, but no matter what, I was going. She said she would call me right back. I never heard from her again.

Until early August 2008.



I was in Saskatoon for friend's wedding. I woke up at 2pm. First thing I do in the morning? Check my phone.

You have a new text message:

1-250-555-5555 wrote: hey r u there?

She's backkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. With the last 8 months or so of self-improvement under my belt, I was extremely confident about my inner state. A part of me wanted to prove to myself that I could talk to HBEX and not get that gut feeling in my stomach, hold my frame, and end the phone call (on good terms) knowing if I never talked to her again, that would be fine. I've always held extremely angry and bitter feelings towards HBEX. Those feelings were so strong, if anyone mentioned her, or the town we met in, I would start raining down insult after insult, discussing my absolute distaste for the town. Not the healthiest mindset in the world. I talked to her for awhile - like 6 hours. It was nice to talk to her again. I held my frame, explained what I have been doing (PUA), etc. We maintained contact for the next week or two. The old HBEX was back rather quickly, being upset about me going out, whining, and calling me crying all the time. This just wasn't in my frame anymore - I didn't have time for it. I cut it off contact again.


A week went by without contact. Then I got a text message, and then a phone call. This was a critical moment in my Life. We discussed plans to meet up right then for coffee. I gave her a 20 minute time-line to determine if we were meeting up or not. 20 minutes went by, and that was enough time for me to snap back, and realize I can't do this. She got a text saying "sorry, can't do this." A reply of "tonight or forever?" came back my way. It was deleted. Up until yesterday she has sent me a message here and there every few days, and I delete them instantly.

I never saved her number in my phone. I know I can handle myself when I'm sober, but a few times when I've been drunk, I had sent her messages that didn't make me happy the next time (when I found them), so not having her number in my phone saved that. Without her number, I couldn't text her. The only way we got in contact was by her texting me, setting the lovely frame of her chasing me.

What is Frame Control?
As SINN puts it: "A frame is the surrounding meaning of any interaction. It is as David DeAngelo likes to say your reality."

Frame Control is one of the major pieces to the self-improvement puzzle. I'm not going to go TOO in-depth about Frames (I will save that for a future blog). Basically the stronger frame (reality) always wins. If you have a stronger frame, the person will buy into that, giving you more value. When a girl tries to set a frame, you want to do what is called re-framing. As you will see, re-framing turns the tables, and causes the frame to be set by yourself. To give you an idea of how to re-frame, here is SINN'S list. It is a very good list, hence why I'm just going to use it instead of re-writing another.

1. You can ignore the comment entirely and plow forward wit

h your specific personality conveying material.
2. You can reframe the quesion by agreeing and then taking the accusation to absurdity.
3. Reframe by shit testing her.
4. Reframe by misinterpreting and then disqualifying
5. Reframe the underlying meaning to her chasing you
6. Going completely illogical. This is a part of ignoring except you go off the wall.

Whenever you are talking to your HBEX, it will be a huge frame battle. You have new mindsets, forming a new reality, and you will want her to buy into that. She on the other hand will want you to buy into your old chode frame. It will get bloody.

Ultimately why did I cut off contact, and continue to do so?
Simple. I noticed even though my Frame Control (in this case, and Life in general) is very strong, I realized I had emotions and certain behaviors come back. I didn't go back to complete chode, but there were certain aspects of my old self that crawled their way back. I was noticing myself becoming very bitter again, and extremely negative over the stupidest shit. I was complaining a lot. I was angry. This was not healthy. All these behaviors I had formed while in that relationship - for a variety of reasons, that it's simply how my body knew to react when in contact with HBEX.

This is why I strongly recommend using The SAINT's ideology: "The past is the past, move on." Ultimately it didn't work for a reason(s), MOVE ON. Each and every one of you have an amazing journey ahead of yourselves, don't be held back by a chode perception that the NEW you will be the blessing your relationship needed to fix itself.

Delete those text messages. Don't call. Don't have her number in your phone (or anywhere). Just. Move. On.


Good luck.
-Elektro